A Letter to Our Future Children

Tonight we’re getting personal on the blog. After two miscarriages, I decided to write a letter to our future kids. For those of you struggling through your own trial of loss, infertility, or any other unspoken battle, we are praying for you today.DSCF2950-2

Dear Kiddos,

We can not wait to meet you. Your dad and I thought we were going to meet one of you this coming February. We were as thrilled as could be. As soon as we found out we were pregnant, our world was already changing. We were getting ready for your arrival in any small way we could. We told our parents and our siblings just two days after we found out you’d be coming. (Your grandparents were adorable when they heard the news. There’s a video. I’m sure you’ve already seen it.) We made plans to change the office to your nursery. I made an amazon wishlist. We started talking about names. (I wonder what we ended up naming all of you!) We were searching for the right doctor. We visited a natural birthing center, and decided we’d prefer a hospital. (You have no idea how relieved your father was.) We shared the news with a few close friends. You were all I could think about everyday that week. It was only a week, but time seemed to slow down, allowing the exciting news to sink deeper and deeper into our hearts. The week passed by so slowly, making us so eager to skip ahead; to the first ultrasound, the first heartbeat, to the gender reveal, and finally to Valentine’s Day, when we were going to hold you in our arms. It all seemed so far away, I was going to have to learn a little patience!

But then, without much warning, it was gone. For some reason, our little chocolate chip couldn’t hang on, and we miscarried. It happened unexpectedly while we were photographing a wedding. It was quite a challenge to smile at the guests when we just wanted to sit together and cry. That was a hard day. It was the same day that your amazing great grandma Hilda passed away. We woke up that morning dreaming of the future, but we went to bed heartbroken. We lost an old life, and we lost a new life. You don’t know what any day holds for you, but God is still so good in every circumstance. That’s the only thing we can hold onto for our constant joy. I am already praying that you guys would know the joy of Christ in every trial.

Well, we would have to wait before meeting you. But after just a couple of months, we thought we wouldn’t have to wait much longer! We were pregnant again! Two miscarriages is rare, so the odds were in our favor. But along with our overwhelming joy, we couldn’t help but be a little wary. We wondered if this pregnancy was too good to be true. We carried on with excitement, but also a few nerves. Like last time, I didn’t feel any nausea or other common symptoms. I didn’t know whether I should be thankful or nervous over that. I tried not to over analyze. (That’s easier said than done.) We made it past the 6 week mark, where we had miscarried last time. It felt like we jumped over a hurdle, even if only in our minds. We started to feel more hopeful that May was the month we would actually become a family of three! (Or four. We were hoping for twins!) We had the chance to share the news with your grandparents again! You can imagine that they were just as excited as last time! We made an appointment with a new doctor. We were actually going to have a visit! This made things feel so official.

We brought our camera to the doctor’s office to document this exciting step in the journey. Your dad took pictures of my huge grin while we sat in the waiting room. The nurse smiled when she saw how giddy we were. She told us that we would have an ultrasound, and hopefully we would even hear our little baby’s heartbeat! I remember cupping my hands over my mouth in excitement.

When the ultrasound started, your dad noticed that our friendly nurse became suddenly tense. I couldn’t tell, because I was trying to get a better look at the screen. Any second now, I would have some affirmation that our little one was on the right track. But the screen just looked like a fuzzy mess to me. Why isn’t she saying anything yet? “Well,” the nurse started. It was the kind of word you say when you’d rather not say what’s coming next. “Don’t give up hope right away… but I’m not able to find the baby.” I fought back my tears so that I wouldn’t shake the ultrasound. Maybe you could look around the corner? Just look a little harder. Just find the baby. But she ended the ultrasound, and that was that. No heartbeat, no pictures to hang on the fridge. Just a sinking feeling. Once again, it was all but over. The nurse left the room, and your father hugged me while we cried. We made phone calls to our family. I updated my pregnancy apps to “suffering a loss.” We waited for the miscarriage. It came just a few days later.

So now we wait again. We don’t know how long we’ll have to wait. It could be months, or it could be years. I really wish we didn’t have to wait. I wish you had gotten here years ago. But as hard as it is to wait, each day is filled with generous gifts from the Lord, and I want to appreciate every last one. I pray that someday when you have the hard task of waiting for something, you are still filled with thanksgiving. I think we can be both heartbroken and thankful at the same time. That’s how I feel right now. I am heartbroken at our loss, but I am thankful that Christ would love me, save me, and give me true delight in Him. I can’t simply wait until I hold you in my arms to be content. I must find my satisfaction in God now, and in the future. Otherwise, there will always be something we are waiting for.

Going through this struggle makes me stop and realize how many people are struggling with their own battles. At times I feel guilty for being heartbroken over two miscarriages, because I know some people have suffered so much more. Some people struggle with infertility for many years, some suffer the loss of a newborn, others have lost a spouse, some are still waiting for a spouse. We all struggle through different circumstances, but one person’s battle doesn’t make another’s less valid. There will always be someone who has less than you, and someone who has more than you. So strive to rejoice in what you have, and find comfort in God where you lack. Always look out for others who may be struggling, too. It can be hard to remember, but God tells us that we can rejoice even in our trials because he will use them to make us mature and complete.

So while we wait for your tiny little hands to hold ours, I pray God makes us mature and complete. I pray that your mom and dad would grow in our love for God, and for each other. I pray that we would appreciate the little things and the hard things. I pray that whenever we meet you, whether you are biological or adopted, whether there are six of you, or just one, that we would praise God in the journey. We love you already. You are worth the wait.

Love, mom and dad.

Comments

19 notes + Add comment
  • Jeanine Camacho

    on October 14, 2015  2:59 am

    Yes, yes, yes. Thank you. God bless you and your future family.

  • Raquel Carolina

    on October 14, 2015  3:17 am

    This is one of the most beautiful and vulnerable letters I have ever read. You are going to be amazing parents in due time, whatever means that is! Praying for you Emily and Steven.

  • Kristyn Dubie

    on October 14, 2015  3:21 am

    I really appreciate this Emily. Thanks for posting. You're a blessing to friends and family (present and future!)

  • Cheri Garrett

    on October 14, 2015  3:21 am

    I'm so sorry you two are having to feel what it is to miscarry a baby/babies. Your day will come, trust in that. If you two ever need a sounding board or someone to vent to let me know. We have had our share of the same ups and downs.

  • Karen Kyer

    on October 14, 2015  3:24 am

    Lovely. Fortunate the child who gets to read this.

  • Paul Haroutunian

    on October 14, 2015  3:45 am

    Thanks for sharing Emily. Touching. Real. Will be praying.

  • Kiki Papangellin-Molimard

    on October 14, 2015  4:01 am

    Emily and Steven... I appreciate you sharing your story, as difficult as I'm sure it was. I'm sorry you have had to experience such losses... I can't imagine how it must feel. You and your future children are in my prayers. Keep smiling and take comfort in knowing that God will take care of you.

  • Kimberly Williams

    on October 14, 2015  4:04 am

    So blessed by this letter! Thank you for sharing!!

  • Kaytee Ferry

    on October 14, 2015  4:15 am

    Steven and Emily you are both loving people who trust in the Lord! You will have the blessing of a child that will be just as talented and a true blessing to our family. I will continue to pray for you both and I'm so glad that Steven has passed the test with Denver the dog! XXOO

  • Betty Hull

    on October 14, 2015  5:16 am

    Emily....praying for you and your husband

  • Dorina Lazo Gilmore

    on October 14, 2015  5:39 am

    This is so heartbreaking and beautiful in the same breath, my friend. I am proud of your courage to share the hardest parts of this journey and your deepest joy in the midst of it. I have tasted the same sentiments in such a different context. Our God has abundant gifts for us even in life's heartaches. All for His Glory!

  • Meagan Pagcaliuagan

    on October 14, 2015  8:03 am

    Thank you for sharing your story, Emily. It was heartbreaking to read and I started to tear up thinking about how you must be feeling. Your future children are already lucky to have you. <3

  • Maire Wagner

    on October 14, 2015  10:07 am

    Have endured the same - several times. The love you share shall blossom into children; it simply must. But, it will exact the heavy toll it has. I beseech you, be patient and don't allow your losses to overwhelm you. Love and faith will find a way back to you both.

  • Sarah Parker Sanchez

    on October 14, 2015  11:48 am

    I love you guys. I weep with you and I rejoice with you as our loving a Savior refines you and sets you apart for His good purposes. Come over anytime if you need to talk or cry. ❤️

  • Kristi Garcia

    on October 14, 2015  3:53 pm

    My heart breaks for you as I know what you are suffering through. I pray that God will give you the desires of your hearts (maybe you'll get those twins after all!). Thank you for being so vulnerable and real in sharing your story.

  • Jimi Smith Thaxton

    on October 14, 2015  4:11 pm

    Thank you for sharing.

  • JS David

    on October 15, 2015  2:20 am

    Emily thank you so much for your reminder during a hard time. Praying for your family and God bless you and your family to come abundantly

  • Kathy Brown

    on October 15, 2015  2:42 am

    Hang in there sweetheart. You will be the most wonderful and loving parents one day soon. God bless.

  • Becca Parker Cheney

    on October 15, 2015  2:38 pm

    My heat breaks for your losses and at the same time it's rejoicing that you are struggling well! God has mercifully interceded in these moments of your life to lift your eyes towards Him. Praying for your hurt and pain and for your future family. Love you guys.


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